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3 years ago…

[TRIGGER WARNING: mental health, depression, suicide]

Looking at my Facebook memories, and being reminded that…
3 years ago, I wanted to kill myself.

I was lucky, that day in mid-May: two dear friends of mine were holding my hands and were there when I went to the psychiatric emergency of the Douglas Hospital. I had plans, I had the mindset. In my mind, I was ready to end all this suffering in my head and in my heart…

The constant emptiness. The fear of being abandoned. Or lied to. Or abused. Or traumatised yet again. Or being psychologically violated, humiliated, abused, diminished. The fear of being inadequate. Of being an impostor. Of being a monster. Of being too much.

I’ve lived too many traumatic events that left its imprints in my brain while I grew up, and the depressive anxious mind of mine was winning over my will to live. I just couldn’t anymore. All my defence mechanisms & protective actions and shields weren’t protecting me against my sick brain anymore.

But…yeah, I was lucky that some saw it. I was lucky that some had the intuition to reach to me, propose to hold my hands and bring me to the hospital. No judging. No moralising words. Nothing.
Just compassion, care, and love.

I felt it, and it kicked me just enough to reactivate that “warrior Debbie” in my mind, and fight. To finally go get the medical help I needed, because I couldn’t heal alone anymore.I needed help, and I needed NOW before doing the irreparable…And I needed to do it for my kiddo. I just couldn’t live with the thought that she could blame herself for my death. I just couldn’t.
So, 3 years ago, I started what I knew was going to be a hard healing process.

It is still ongoing, mind you all: We are almost there with fine-tuning my medication; I did a lot of introspective work on myself with my psychologist; I work diligently with my doctor and whichever’s psychiatrist assigned to my case; I call my social worker at my Pointe-Saint-Charles clinic when I feel there can be a relapse in my depressive phase; I’m on the waiting list for many medical appointments at the Douglas Hospital for my mental troubles affecting me, and to see how we can start repair (probably never totally repair a 100%. but close enough!) my brain, and make me feel better;I’m talking more about my current conditions, and I’m not shying away: I DO have a mental health problem that can make me not function properly in different spheres of my life (be it work, friends, family, social, etc).

For the last two weeks, being reminded of THAT day 3 years ago on Facebook made me reflect on how far I came around and worked hard.
I am still doing it, mind you. But yes, I saw all the work coming into effect when, in the last few days, I was confronted with some personal events arising. I saw how I kept strong even with the maelstrom of intense emotions; I was able to keep a clear mind and think; I didn’t succumb to some impulsive and risky “bomb-type” decisions; I didn’t overreacted. I was just able to stick to my ideas, my values, and my worth, and move on. Solve that shit like the Surviving Warrior that I am.

There can be relapses, in the future, for another depression phase, or even a suicidal one: a traumatised brain like mine won’t really ever heal from all of that. BUT…with all the help I am getting, and work I am doing, I can only hope that those phases will distance itself each time, taking more time before it happens again.

Today I am happy to be alive, and to have fought that dying thought 3 years ago. Today, I am happy to still be around, and be there for my daughter.
Today, I am happy to be me.

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May is the month of Mental Health Awareness in the US. and we had a National Week for Mental Health Awareness at the beginning of the month. It’s important to remind our self that we aren’t the only one struggling alone in our corners: close to 1 person on 4 (25%) will be dealing with mental health trouble during its adulthood.

We need to talk more about our mental health. It’s important! And no, we aren’t alone: people care!

We have two wonderful organisations here that help raise awareness: Mouvement Santé mentale Québec
Association québécoise de prévention du suicide (AQPS)
ACSM – Association canadienne pour la santé mentale – Filiale de Québec

And there is also some online groups and websites that give place to people sharing their own personal mental struggles and troubles:
The Mighty
Humain Avant Tout
Project Semicolon

Also, if you need to talk, I am there. I’m always available to hear people’s stories, their own struggles, and be a listening mind. I’ve been there, I know that fight, and I understand.

You are cared. You are loved. You ain’t alone.

Me neither.

#MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #SantéMentale #Suicide #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #PTSD #Trauma

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2018

2018.

Un goût doux-amer dans ma bouche, car bien que ça a moins bougé côté action/événement, c'est dans ma tête que ça a brassée beaucoup cet année. Intensément.

2018 qui a commencé avec une hypothèse plausible - et très possible - que j'avais finalement + de séquelles

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Read on the Internet: “The Date Rape Song”, by Matthew Barlow

“And then the commentariat! My feed lit up with my friends arguing against me. I even got chastised for being a bad historian for failing to note the song is from the 1940s. Over and over, the context of the song was explained to me. But that’s the thing, this cuts both ways. If we want to consider historical context for things, then let’s discuss Confederate War monuments.”

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Les dimanches anxieux

Les dimanches après-midi sont les pires moments de ma semaine. Encore pire quand ma fille est chez son père.

C'est LE moment dans ma semaine où une crise d'anxiété a le plus de chance de débuter, m'entrainant dans un flot incessant de pensées anxieuses qui n'ont habituellement

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On dealing with mental health issues: the BPD probability

In the last few months, I had to deal with the fact that I may suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD). After talking with my medical team over this possibility, I read a lot on that subject, and I thought a lot about myself in these last few months. It does explain a LOT of past behaviours and reactions. And ever since I became aware of its possibility, I change a lot of stuff in my life to make it better (and it did!).

But there is still one main point characterizing BPD that I have a hard time dealing with: the constant, ever-eternal, chronic feeling of emptiness. 

Boooyyyyyyyy do I have that one HARD! And fuck do I hate it.

But…it does explain A LOT in my past: how I was never able to focus on one project at a time (and especially bring it to “completion”/finish); how I was always jumping from one thing to another, never satisfied, never happy after the happy rush from its beginnings; the hard time to focus at school, always happy to start the semester, but always struggling to finish it (let’s not talk about my university grades; the never-ending ADHD side of myself which always struggle to finish anything…fuuuuucccckkkkkkkk!);

So now, I’m trying to see if I can change this point a little. Push myself a little to NOT drop whatever new project/thing I try or start. It’s hard, but if I deal with it one day at a time, I might manage it…